dangling earrings and primate interactions

 

Springfield, VA, USA. Your next four minutes starts now. In the first ten seconds, people are sizing you up, making judgments about you: social class, morals, professionalism, intelligence.

 

That may not seem fair, but that's all you've got before people begin to evaluate you. It's human nature born of living in the pack where we needed to know friend or foe before the foe could kill us.

 

There isn't much time.

 

Four minutes.

 

That's all you've got.

 

Four minutes.

 

And less than that if you've ever sold door to door.

 

Four minutes.

 

That's the amount of time it takes to make an impression on someone you've just met.

 

Four minutes.

 

Eyes focus first: What are you wearing? How do you look? Do you make eye contact? What is your body language? How do you move?

 

Then the ears: How fast or slow do you speak? Do you have a pleasant tone? Is your voice loud or soft? Do you speak clearly or do you slur your words? Do you sound educated or unschooled? Street or finishing school? Do you sound like us?

 

And finally, last of all, the brain focuses on the actual words that are coming out of your mouth. What you are saying often times means less than how you are saying it and how you look. ‘tisn't fair, but that's the way we work.

 

Worse: first impressions are often lasting ones. If you give a good first impression (if they like the way you look, your demeanor, your body language), you will be given the benefit of the doubt on everything that follows. If you are viewed positively within those first critical minutes, the person you just met will most likely see everything you do that follows in a positive light.

 

There's a downside to this (there is always a downside). If you botch the first impression — if you look confused, anxious, or neurotic, or if you look like an outsider or a troublemaker — the person you just met may assume you have a gazillion negative traits and whole passel of undesirable characteristics.

 

You have four minutes to prove them wrong.

 

Even worse: (and there is always something worse), that person will probably not ever take the time or make an effort to view you as anything other than the first impression. Sorry, but as far as making a good impression is concerned, there are no second acts.

 

Don't get angry with me. I'm just laying out the framework for human primate interaction. If I had designed the species, I wouldn't have done it this way, but, until we get really good at genetic engineering, we're stuck with the factory specs: first impressions count.

 

So, how do you feel about being in a new social situation? Albert Mehrabian, UCLA professor emeritus of psychology, established a classic method to gauge how we convey our feelings and attitudes:

But take a look: nearly all of the impression we make at first is the result of something that has nothing to do with the words we select or how we use them.

 

When you're meeting someone for the first time, you will be judged more, at least in the beginning, by the body language you use rather than the words you say. In the first four minutes, the person you are meeting is so busy evaluating your appearance, your body language, and other non-verbal indicators, that it is not surprising that they may not actually be hearing what you are saying.

 

At this point you might be wondering what all of this nonsense has to do with HBS men and women.

 

Like we don't make first impressions on the people we meet.

 

Like we don't care how people see us.

 

Yeah, right.

 

Men and women who are born with Harry Benjamin Syndrome are not immune to making bad first impressions, some intentional, some unintentional. But there are ways at minimizing those things that might contribute to a bad impression and emphasizing those things that will encourage a good impression.

 

The voice ranges of men and women overlap. Some men have higher voices than the average man; some women have lower voices than an average man. If there are no visual clues when a person hears two adult voices -- one higher, one lower – the human brain most often will identify the higher voice as female and the lower voice as male, no matter what the actual sex of the speaker.

 

You may have noticed that male to female HBS normally have voices in a woman's lower range (stating the obvious). If there are no other indicators, a male to female HBS voice will be read as male if there are other women's voices to compare to it. (Obviously , female-to-male HBS folks, whose voices have been lowered by testosterone, don't have this problem.) But by the time a person hears your voice for the first time, they have already started making their first impression based on your appearance.

 

To overcome the initial impression of the pitch of your voice, the easiest solution is to give visual clues that say woman:

By the time someone hears your voice, they will already be well underway to making their first impression of you and voice will only be one of many factors in that impression.

 

First impression is everything.

 

What works for voice, also works for height. There are tall women everywhere; some women are even taller than you. Give visual clues, don't slump, be proud of your height, dress appropriately, and few people will think your height unusual (except some short men who seem to dislike all women five foot six inches and taller but, in that case, it won't be just you they dislike).

 

If you want to dress androgynously, don't be upset if the first impression you give is that you are different.

 

If you want to draw attention to yourself with over the top make-up or clothing, shouting and cursing, or body language more appropriate to a dock worker, don't be surprised if the first impression you give is that you are an outsider.

 

You have every right to be the center of attention — to be what you gotta be — but then don't expect the people you meet to treat you like you are just like everyone else. They've already made a first impression, based on your actions and appearance, that says you aren't like everyone else or, at least, not like them.

 

I'm not saying that everyone has to conform to rigid dress standards, but if you want to fit in with a group of people, making a first good impression is a lot easier if you look more or less like the group, whether that be an office, a church group, or the assembly line. If the women in the office wear skirts and pant suits, don't show up in jeans and a tee shirt and expect someone won't mention it. Dress in whatever manner you are comfortable but realize you might have to work extra hard to overcome the first impression you have made.

 

Women aren't worried about being women. They just are. Be yourself (but leave the butch you back at your house if you don't want people to talk when you are out of the room). Use common sense. 

 

If you want to be a rebel, be a rebel, but don't blame “The Man” when someone else gets the promotion. Unless they are really, really good at what they do, rebels and the makers of waves seldom fit smoothly into groups and organizations. The idea of the lone cop fighting the system works better in the movies than in life (notice that the lone cop is ALONE). Rebel after you have made a good first impression and they already appreciate you as a person.

 

First Impressions are important and the first four minutes are most important of all.

 

Your next four minutes starts now.

 

 

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